Courage

I just realized that I have to quit being myself in order to have courage in my life. But how can I just give up on myself when I have worked so hard to find me. You know when you just realize something in your life and you see that it makes sense; it's like a bunch of pieces that suddently get together to make an image of some sort: that's how I felt figuring out myself; I'm not saying that I know everything single thing about me but I know enough right to know who I am; how can I ignore all of those times that I felt wonderfull with those feelings just because I want to be a courageous girl; how can I recreate myself in front of everybody and be happy with it? Yeah, sure, time will tell, but do I have time in my adolescence to wait for those feelings? Besides, who I am now depends on me; the feelings I have are mostly caused by me; of course that there are other people envolved but they are mostly inside feelings because they're created by my own personality and if I chose to become this another kind of person then my feelings will be mostly created by other people. Do I want that? My wish since I was little girl was to be totally independent, and I fought for it a lot during a long time but now I don't want to be totally independent; just a little bit because aging and all made me realize how interesting someone can be but to understand that I need to get close to them. You see, there is huge problem on my mind right now; so contradictory.
And today I just woke up to eat like I usually do on holidays and suddently this problem crosses my mind and I know that I will soon figure it out but right now my mood is not the best and have this feeling that I'm going to mess up.

That's why I write; I don't trust my untouchable thoughts; words are much more trustworthy.